I often look in the mirror and do not see what others see. It is a very strange phenomenon that affects me everyday. Strange as it may sound I cannot see it. A little background I used to be double my size – I went from a size 16 to a size 8. I know it really is me and I did accomplish this major weight loss because the label on the inside of my “Lucky Jeans” say so and a couple pairs even say size 6.
What I was not prepared for in my weight loss journey was the mental baggage that I still carry. I look in the mirror and I do not see the transformation like I have been told I should see. I am sure a therapist would have a field day with this. Hmmm would they tell me I am insecure – suppressing true feelings – denial – who knows. I know there is baggage as when I would come home from College for breaks I remember my Mother saying: “Hi Honey – You look fat” Wow that was a greeting like no other. Or my other favorite was I got an A – in a class and she would say: Well that is not an A. I am sure it was little comments like those that play continue over and over in my head.
The one thing that I do know is that for the first time when I do look in the mirror regardless of my weight I ”finally” like what I see – I am sure it is because in recent years I have found healthy supportive relationships – Faith – Love – Laughter and Fun. I am learning that old cliche of beauty comes from within is very true. The other extension of that is that if you really feel it you start to live it…. I am 41 and in a strange way feel better – younger - stronger now than at any other time in my life.
Now if I could just break that damn mirror and see the way that I feel…… This struggle is a journey and a process and I am ok with that. Well back to work!!!
Kristy
Jody
Cathy
Carol
Karen
Linda
I am on this journey right now…you wouldn’t know it the way I ate nachos last night though! Hee hee hee.
Mirrors are such a subjective medium – remember, we are raised with an ideal of how we look, as told by others but it is up to us to be at peace with how we see ourselves.
Part of the reason that I began working out recently is that I couldn’t STAND seeing myself in the mirror…I fit into all my clothes still, but it was that deep dark glance at myself while getting ready that stared back at me saying “So what are YOU going to do about it?”
I think you are beautiful my friend…truly beautiful. Oh, and by the way, don’t forgot that I saw you in all your beautimous glory walking down the “aisle” a few months back to meet your Prince Charming…couldn’t have been any prettier.
muah
j~
Cathy I’ve struggled with this issue. When I was acting and wore a size 6, I felt pressure to lose weight and get to a size 2, even though that was totally unrealistic for my body size. I thought I was fat at size 6 and then I gained a lot of weight I mean a lot–70 pounds worth of weight and for a while I knew I had gained a “a bit” of weight but I couldn’t see how overweight I had gotten. Now I’ve lost 22 of those 70 pounds and I have no concept of what size I am. I was able to fit into a dress today that didn’t zip in December. That felt good. But part of me was so ready to focus on the 45 pounds I still want to lose instead of celebrating my progress. Which professionally I know is not going to help me get to my goal. Our perception of what is in the mirror can be as distorted as those fun house mirrors. But I just want to say when I first met you and then you told me that you used to be a size 16, it made me believe that it is possible to take control and make the change. You are gorgeous! I would love to be a healthy size 6 or 8 or even 10 and happy with it!
xoxox
Carol
Thank you both for your support. I cannot tell you what it means to me. Most of the time I am in control and can stay on track. But there are those triggers that set me back.. But only for a moment and that for me is progress and a monumental accomplishment in and of itself. I have learned not to be paralyzed by the old tapes that replay in my brain.. I let them play once and move on.
xoxo to you both and to the others of you who have been so supportive and sensitive of my daily struggle..:)
Keep up the good work Carol!!!!
A very long time ago I was talking to a therapist about this very subject and she said that I should start wearing a rubberband on my wrist (not too tight though) and every time I looked in the mirror and said something terrible to myself, I should snap the hell out of the rubberband to make it sink in just how mean I was being to myself.
I have to say … it did make me realize that I wasn’t being very nice to myself.
I will have to try the rubberband “treatment” my only fear is that I will look like an abuse victim as I know that I will have lots of black and blue marks on those wrists of mine!!!
Thanks!!