I often look in the mirror and do not see what others see. It is a very strange phenomenon that affects me everyday. Strange as it may sound I cannot see it. A little background I used to be double my size – I went from a size 16 to a size 8. I know it really is me and I did accomplish this major weight loss because the label on the inside of my “Lucky Jeans” say so and a couple pairs even say size 6.
What I was not prepared for in my weight loss journey was the mental baggage that I still carry. I look in the mirror and I do not see the transformation like I have been told I should see. I am sure a therapist would have a field day with this. Hmmm would they tell me I am insecure – suppressing true feelings – denial – who knows. I know there is baggage as when I would come home from College for breaks I remember my Mother saying: “Hi Honey – You look fat” Wow that was a greeting like no other. Or my other favorite was I got an A – in a class and she would say: Well that is not an A. I am sure it was little comments like those that play continue over and over in my head.
The one thing that I do know is that for the first time when I do look in the mirror regardless of my weight I “finally” like what I see – I am sure it is because in recent years I have found healthy supportive relationships – Faith – Love – Laughter and Fun. I am learning that old cliche of beauty comes from within is very true. The other extension of that is that if you really feel it you start to live it…. I am 41 and in a strange way feel better – younger – stronger now than at any other time in my life.
Now if I could just break that damn mirror and see the way that I feel…… This struggle is a journey and a process and I am ok with that. Well back to work!!!