Today for some reason my modem decided to stop communicating with internet. If there could have been a worse day for this to happen, I can’t think of it. So for a couple of hours, I unplugged and plugged in cables, turned things on and off to no avail. I bite the bullet and decide I have to call my ISP for help. Dreading it all the way I dial. Here is an abbreviated recounting of the call:
A very friendly automated male voice “AMV” answers, “”Thanks you for calling BIG COMPANY, to help us connect to your account, please state or key your phone number.”
ME: Made the mistake of speaking rather than keying the number
AMV: “Let me repeat that number.” (He repeats it back replacing the 2 with a nine.) “Is this correct?”
Come on with what accent does two sound like nine? I grew up near Chicago. Twoooo NINNNNNE. Alike? You’ve got to be kidding me.
AMV: “I’m sorry my fault, could you reenter or repeat that for me?”
ME: gets smart and keys the number.
AMV: Could you state in simple terms what the problem is.
ME: I can’t connect to the internet
AMV: Sounds like you are having problems with the internet. I’ll have to connect you to our high speed internet department.
A woman’s automated voice “WAV” picks up.
WAV: Could you state or key your phone number?
ME: Having learned my lesson the last time I key the number.
WAV: I’m going to list 5 categories, pick the one that most closely matches your problem.
ME: I listen while she rattles through things that have nothing to do with my problem,
WAV: Finally Says Internet Connectivity.
ME: Yes Internet Connectivity
WAV: OKay so you are having problems with internet connectivity
ME: YES, Isn’t that what I just said?
WAV: Have you been able to connect to the internet before on this line?
WAV: Let me test your line and modem now, is your modem on?
WAV: Please hold while we test your line!
WAV: You need to reset the password on your modem. We’ve given you a temporary password which is tpc456 (or something like that!) once you reset your password everything should work. If you’d like to return to the main menu say main. If you’ve gotten the help you need hang up.
ME: Swearing! I don’t know how to reset the password.
ME: dialing the 800 number again, getting the man, keying the number, saying internet connection, getting the woman, keying my number again, saying internet connectivity. Now really frustrated I scream out “HUMAN BEING”
WAV: I could connect you with a human being but we should test your line first.
ME: GIVE ME A HUMAN OPERATOR
WAV: Okay. If you are disconnected can the human call you at . . .she repeats my number.
ME: WTF! I’m going to go through all this and get disconnected. Please lord no!
WAV: Are you still there?
WOMAN: Transferring now.
Finally: Welcome to BIG COMPANY This is Jeff how can I help you?
ME: Jeff thank god! A real person. (Jeff is probably in India but who cares he’s a real person!) I’m having problems with my modem and the automated system reset the password but I have no idea how to login using that password. What do I do?
Jeff: (Sensing a woman at the end of her rope.) “I can walk you through that!”
And he did ending 5 hours of frustration! Bless you Jeff or whatever your real name is–thanks for being the human being at the other end of the phone!
If I ran the zoo, companies would not be able to call automation, customer service. It only alienates their customers. If only I had realized that screaming “human being” earlier could have gotten me to Jeff about a half hour sooner!
Where’s the wine to go with this whine?