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Archive for the ‘The Land of Confusion’ Category

My big sister is here visiting from northern California.  She is this fabulously creative, supportive, nurturing, giving and incredible woman (who by the way, doesn’t see any of that in herself, sheesh, maybe we set the bar too high for ourselves??) and I love her unique perspective on the little things in this world.  The following conversation took place while we all sat at the dinner table watching a recording of the Discovery Channel show about the Endeavor Space Shuttle launch, which my three year old is completely fascinated with.  Yeah, he’s smarter than me, so what?

After watching all the astronauts get suited up and hearing a little personal history, including the list of degrees each of them have, my sister turned to me & the hub unit and said:

Sis:  ‘Jeez, these are really smart guys.  It makes you wonder if these are the kind of people we SHOULD be sending into space.  I mean, what if something happens again, like it did with Columbia?  All that knowledge and experience would be lost.’

A moment of silence.

Hub: ‘Weeeell, if not these really smart guys, who should we be sending up?’

Me:  ‘PERHAPS we should send up some guy named Earl.  After all, the inside of the space shuttle probably doesn’t look all that dissimilar to the inside of a double wide.  Actually, if you could just make the controls look like a TV remote, we might have a shot . . . ‘

Let’s take a vote.  Really smart astronaut guys or Earl?? 

Just a glimpse into the profound thinktank that is my house, where we delve into the pressing problems of the day and come up with viable solutions. 

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Today I must admit that I was grateful that my hubby had another woman.  This woman purrs like a kitten when turned on……  She also glides and rolls with the wind.  I love this other woman our “Harley Davidson”.   I have been experiencing what the hubby calls “crazy brain” lately and I am so grateful that today I just sat for hours.  It was a beautiful day, the sun was in full glory and the wild flowers on the mountains were magical.  What was best about today is that I could just be.  I spent 4 hours on the back of the Harley just cruising along contemplating my world and what to do next with or in it.     It was the first time in months that I had quiet time with “me” and what I realized is that time was long overdue.    I formulated this great life plan in my head one that I need to figure out how to implement.  I visualized all the things I would do – the money I would make – the places I would travel and most important for me all the people I would help with my “new found” financial windfall….

Many people these days are following a suggestion for the book, ‘The Secret” by creating a vision board – I found a great web site that actually offers a Vision Book – it was created by Jack Canfield and my according to an email I just got is in route to me as I write this entry.  I am so excited to create this book and somewhat nervous.  Patience for creative things is an area that I am severely lacking in fact it took me one year to create my first (and only to this point) Scrapbook!!   I know what I have to do and I need to let the creative side just flow and let go of the perfection / controlled side.   Just like I did during the “girlfriend getaway” intuitive painting experience.   I have been working on changing my thoughts / my crazy brain and  my intentions lately and I must say I have noticed a big improvement in myself.  Don’t get me wrong I am still no closer to finding a professional direction but I must be honest for the first time in my life everything else sure is wonderful. 

Spending 4 hours with the sun and wind in my face,  no cell phone, no email, no IM just me, hubby and the other woman was exhilarating and reinvigorating.   I would suggest that all of us women find ourselves “our own other woman” of course she exists only to us and on our terms and is there when we need her…. Trust me she is not all that bad…..  🙂

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I used to think I was a patient person.  Actually, if I’m being honest with myself, perhaps patient isn’t the correct word.  I was, um, easygoing.  And possibly just easy, but that is definitely another post.

Being an older mom, I really started out feeling like I had patience in spades.  After all, we waited so long and went thru so much on our infertility, hysterectomy, adoption journey just to bring the kid home – why would I ever YELL at him????

Then he started wanting to do things for himself.  Freakish. 

Do you know how long it takes a three year old to brush his teeth?  WELL, let’s see.  He must walk to the bathroom, climb up on the stool, climb down from the stool, open the drawer, take out the toothbrush, close the drawer, climb back up on the stool, climb back down from the stool, open the drawer, take out the toothpaste, close the drawer, climb back up on the stool, put down the toothbrush, turn on the water, open the toothpaste, squeeze the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, close the toothpaste, tip over the toothbrush and smear the toothpaste all over the counter and the clean shirt I put on him only one minute ago before he walked to the bathroom, cry, cry, yell at me for trying to help, say ‘I do it,’ open the toothpaste, squeeze more toothpaste onto the toothbrush, close the toothpaste, set down the toothpaste, pick up the toothbrush, put the toothbrush in his mouth, swallow the toothpaste without it ever having touched a tooth, move the toothbrush back and forth three times before saying ‘I all done, mama,’ point to his teeth and say ‘white teeths,’ climb down from the stool, open the drawer, put in toothbrush and toothpaste, close the drawer and leave the bathroom.

Perhaps this is why I may need a few more sessions with his holiness, the Dali Lama. 

But hey, things are looking up.  I read today that the Catholic church is going to allow confessions via the INTERNET.  Talk about a blog I wanna read . . .   That would be a real timesaver if I were Catholic.

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I woke up in a great mood today – I had a dream about our group of “women on wine” that was SO real.  You know how dreams can be – and of course this one reflected some of the things we discussed Friday evening at our last wine/margarita/gin and tonic/coffee/martini get together.  I won’t go into all that here, but here’s the main thing I remembered from the dream upon waking:

We were all together somewhere and were discussing the notion that “we are onto something here” with this group and blog, and I said (in the dream), “NO – we REALLY are onto something here.  I am actually feeling happy and content in my life because of this group and what we are doing!”  And at that moment in the dream, I REALLY did FEEL that way.  In the dream, my life seemed so simple, I had cleared out alot of the “stuff”, and was doing something like making jewelry or painting, or god knows what.

Now, you all don’t know me very well yet, but in reality, I have a pretty complicated life.  I have nearly always been a person who does a lot, worries and thinks too much, and thinks she is never as far or as effective as she should be.  My mother lives with us, I have that 13 year old, and have two businesses that are pretty new and do not yet support us fully.  Sometimes, I have experienced depressed feelings about all this, and I am not generally in touch with the blissful, content part of myself on a day to day basis.  It was REALLY nice to have that experience so clearly – even if it was in a dream state.

Fast forward to later on the day, and I arrive at the Spa to get some work done in my office in calm and quiet, and one of the therapists tells me she now wants to only work every other Saturday.  We have had such a struggle getting good people, and this leaves us definitely short, since another one of our massage goddesses still has a hurt finger.  Depressed, worried, even angry feelings crashed down just like that.  Talk about mood swings.  Thought track in my head: “Maybe we should just get out of this business.  Why is this so hard.  Why do I make it so hard? Is this a message?  Or am I just over-reacting?”  You get the idea.

So I went out for a drive.  I am back now, and decided to do therapy by sharing, so here I am.  I will also do therapy by getting some work done, which will allow me to check off some things on the good old “to do” list, which always makes me feel better, too.  I also am aware that hormones may be at play here, as I have been having hot flashes again for about the past week, so will dring lots of water and try to eat healthy for the next few days (and be sure to use that progesterone cream!) 

Anyhow, not sure what the entire message is here, but I do know that my inner mind is telling me what I am doing here with these women is good for me.  And that there’s some simplifying I need to do.  And getting to have the actual feeling of contentment to remind me how it is was great.  Now to get some more of that each and every day! 

Thanks to you all!

Karen

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As I mentioned in another post, we have two dogs.  One is a black lab mix named Bella and she’s our guard dog (until you are in the house and then she’s a cuddler).  The other is a pure bred white lab … Roxy. 

This is a photo from the day we brought her home …

Zac and Roxy

When we brought her home from the breader a little over three years ago, we stopped by Petsmart to get shampoo and all the other new puppy accessories.  She was in the shopping cart sitting nicely and we stepped a foot away from the cart and she FREAKED.  She lept from the cart trying to follow us and we heard a THUD when she hit the floor.  Little did we know back then, what a co-dependent dog we had brought home. 

She was 15 weeks when we got her and because her parents where big, we thought she would be too … nope … she’s a half lab in size … and brain.  She’s the most stupid dog that I’ve ever known.  She runs into walls (on purpose to get a lil more speed when the back legs push off), she follows Bella around constantly and if Bella is out of sight, she starts howling … oh …  and she’s ALWAYS got something in her mouth. 

Last night my Mom and Dad were here for a quick bite to eat on their way home to Visalia.  They were cracking up that Roxy was bouncing off the walls … literally.  Ron assumes this voice and tells you all the things that she’d say if she could … both had us rolling in laughter.

Fast forward to this morning … I come down after getting out of the shower to find some paper by the back door (obviously she had been digging in Zac’s trash AGAIN) and … the bottom portion of a lightbulb.  My first thought was, “oh no she didn’t eat a lightbulb”.  I called my husband and asked him what to do.  He was as shocked as me.  Maybe she thought it was a ball?  What the hell.

I opened her mouth and looked inside … no cuts or blood.  You’d think if she ate the whole thing, there would be some cuts.  We talk about taking her in for x-rays just in case – grrr we just had her there for something else she ate – haha.  Then I thought, well maybe Zac broke a lightbulb and had it in his trash … after all, he IS a boy who likes to take things apart.  I go up to his room and with a sigh of relief, found the rest of the lightbulb.

I swear … having dogs is like having two more kids to watch out for. 

Hey Cathy … She’s always in the land of confusion and will be sure to give you some love – haha

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Hmmmm I really feel like that is a perfect description of one significant part of my current world.  Thankfully I feel that I have amazing balance in so many other critical areas except one – That one is career direction.  Here I am sitting at my desk (drinking a great glass of red wine) pondering my next move.  I have been in a professional funk or rut for a couple years and I can’t seem to get out of it.  I have been blessed with many opportunities and at one point a very successful business,  in fact my poor husband is the victim in this as he has to hear my “crazy” ideas – ventures or opportunities!! He affectionately refers to it at “CRAZY BRAIN”

I think my real challenge is finding what makes as Tony Robbins says,:  my “juices” flow – What is it that is going to make me want to jump out of bed in the morning.  I had that once so at least I know it exists but what is it that can make me feel that way again???   I know I have great people skills – great sales and marketing abilities  as well as the confidence to sit in a board room if required with big shots.    The big question is how to use these skills and blend it with finding a passion.

I read an article about Melinda Gates – Wow she is amazing and I think to work for their foundation would be a great blend – Business development (aka fund-raising)  –  marketing and the best part of that would be the impact that could be made – How cool would that be to make an impact – really help those who need it and have all the resources to do it.  But since I live in the LA area and they are in Washington State so that is not an option.  If I could only find a blend of making great money while having the ability to give back – Now that would get my juices flowing!!!   

I know that I am not alone in this “quest” for clarity.  It seems there are many of us who have reached a point in their life where they need a change, a personal “purpose” and are searching for their own answer.  ***At least one thing is for sure if I am going to live in the “land of confusion” I could not be in better company!! 

The Journey continues……………………. 

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Prozac and the padded cell is just a little different fairytale than the princess and the pea!!!

Life is crazy right now there is no doubt.  I was asked last week to make what could have been a life changing decision.  One that could affect my future and my professional direction in 4 days – He asked me to quickly soul search and decide –  I respectfully responded to the person that it was not possible – I could not answer in 4 days what I have not been able to determine in 41 years.    Needless to say the opportunity passed me by and actually I think I am OK with it.  I seemed to get a lot more clarity on the subject after a bottle of wine – It is amazing what “fermented grape juice” does to the mind and the searching of the soul.   

I must have been sleeping in the life 101 class – or I must have taken some other “useful” elective instead.  Do I regret missing this class.  I am 41, educated and at one point a number of years ago had a successful company – big bank account – toys and to the outside world was “Living the Dream”.  Well somewhere along the way I changed.  I picked up this little thing called “faith” and began a love affair for the first time with myself.  Man am I high maintenance – I realized that I demanded more of myself and wanted more for myself – and I left it all.  The husband – the company – the money – “most of the toys” and that brings me to life today – “soul searching and starting over”.  As great as the decision was it is not easy.  That is where the wine and a padded cell become a great combination.  I am trying to open the door of the cell but I still feel trapped and find myself asking every day that question that I find among the “peoples” more common than not is what is my purpose and trying to figure out activly searching for “My Damn answer”.   If anyone can help answer this I personally would be very appeciative.  It is painfully apparent that I do not have a clue.  So for now until I answer the question – I will stay locked away in the cell. 

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