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Archive for the ‘Prozac and the Padded Cell’ Category

I made sloppy joe’s for dinner last night, yes it’s a veritable cornucopia of gourmet treats at my house.  While browning the ground turkey, it occured to me that other people might not pound the crap out of their meat with a wooden spoon like I do to make sure there is not one bit larger than a pea and god forbid there be a ‘string’ left.  You know how the meat comes out of the grinder in long strings and if you don’t, well, pound the crap out of it with a wooden spoon, it will brown in those long strings and that just makes me want to gag.

So I started thinking about the fact that I’m kinda OCD about stuff, but they are very random, which keeps things interesting.  It’s like I have some distant relative of OCD who comes to visit my brain once in a while at completely unexpected times and yet, when he’s here, HE’S HERE TO STAY.

I’m completely compulsive about the pillows on my couch.  The hub unit will throw them on the couch in any order and while I applaud him for the effort, IT MAKES ME INSANE that they are not all straight and in a particular color order.  I don’t mind that they get used, but for goodness sake, PUT THE ZIPPER SIDE DOWN!

Actually I’m pretty compulsive about how my house looks in general, as it must be NEAT.  However, I really couldn’t give two figs about whether it is CLEAN.  So thank you to Cathy for sending me EVA, our saviour 🙂

Then there is the difference between hub & I.  This morning he made a big show of putting on his Santa Clarita Choppers t-shirt, which came with the Harley we brought home a few days ago.  We got one for the monkey as well and as hub was putting his on, I kept shaking my head NO NO, cause the little guys t-shirt was in the laundry.   OOPS.  Meltdown. 

Hub:  How dirty is it?

Me:  Well, he wore it all day, and then he slept in it.  He’s eaten in it and played at the park in it.  Since then, it’s been in the hamper, under other dirty clothes for two days.

Hub:  Only two days?  Kid come here, let’s put your SCC t-shirt on.

Different standards.  Made my hair stand on end, but the smile on monkey’s face helped me keep the bile down.  Of course, I can’t hug him, but whatever. 

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Well, I got a friendly nudge from one of my friends and revered colleagues that I hadn’t posted in awhile…I feel kinda like Kristy did a few posts back about NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO POST AT ALL.

Not true…I just didn’t have anything very nice to say. 

Not about anybody in particular…just having one of those days/weeks/months ****insert time frame here****

Not quite like just PMS either…I mean, I know that feeling…but it’s kinda like when Audrey Hepburn asks George Peppard in Breakfast at Tiffany’s if he’d ever experienced the “Mean Reds” – being afraid but not knowing what you’re afraid of exactly.

The battle to beat the Mean Reds has happened most every morning this past week – ick.  I open my eyes…thank my lucky stars to be alive and then the doubt creeps into my mind like little green men from outer space.  I shake it off – say my intentions…and JUMP out of my bed as if it is possessed with all the ickyness…And go about my day.

I woke up yesterday and KNEW that I absolutely, positively HAD to do Bikram Yoga…I texted my best friend Sean Niles – who, being a musician, sometimes keeps late nights…GET YOUR ARSE OUT OF BED.  LET’S DO BIKRAM YOGA.  I tried to wait until at least 11:00 am to send it…but all day I knew I had to get into that studio…he agreed for us to get together and go to the 8:15 PM class in downtown L.A.  (THANK YOU SEAN NILES)

Anyhow, on the way to yoga – I was stressed out, tired…argued with a friend on the phone to the point of tears…showed up downtown, where we walked over to the Disney Concert Hall from the Rosslyn Hotel (a good jaunt…) and walked into my inner sanctum called Bikram…

Now, for those of you who don’t know what Bikram Yoga is – check it out online ….  www.bikramyoga.com   For those of you who’ve heard of it but not partaken…you have no idea. 
This is one of the most awesome practices that I have ever found…it works for me.

90 minutes in 110° heat in a small room, practicing 26 asanas including pranayama breathing…very cleansing and really f$*%&ing hard, if I might add.

I have been practicing Bikram for about 5 years, off and on…and every time is a spiritual and physical awakening for  me.  Last night being no different…as I flowed from one pose to the next, I became extremely emotional…some of the series of poses (the balancing poses – Tuladandasana, Dandayamana, Bibhaktapada & Paschimottanasana) which I normally do very well at…I could barely keep myself together…I actually laid down in Savasana (DEAD BODY POSE) for most of this series…tears streaming down my hot face.

As you go through the asanas, your teacher will tell you what parts of the body that the poses are affecting…and there are some poses that specifically work on areas that may cause you to become emotional which is normal.    All 26 poses created emotion to almost brainsplitting pain (emotional, not physical) so needless to say that at the end of my 90 minutes…I felt as if I expelled a lot of REALLY negative energy and was able to regroup my mind a bit…I laid in the dark room for a few minutes at the end and set my intentions to be good to myself…

As Sean and I walked through downtown L.A., carrying our yoga mats – we talked and enjoyed one another’s company as only he and I can do after nearly 20 years…no pretense, no bullshit, no expectations…We dined on tabboloueh, veggie burgers, and Morningstar nuggets…and basked in the afterglow of yoga!

I guess good friends, good food and good yoga can cure the Mean Reds…very cool

NAMASTE

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So I didn’t try the meat/sleeping pill combo suggested in the last comment thread, but we did decide to try something different … maybe a lil kinder and gentler ;-).

We created the “Stop Barking Solution” made with tobasco, water and some other hot sauce and put it in a spray bottle. We decided to only squirt them a little bit when they stand up and look OVER our wall (their heads and shoulders visible) and bark at the same time. That way they will learn that we aren’t happy to see them and that their behavior is not rewarded. Ron did this years ago with a neighbor dog that he had a problem with and it worked wonderful. He said that the dog would get a lil of that hot sauce in his mouth/nose and it would sting just enough to make him retreat and eventually, he could go into his own backyard and the dog didn’t even care. Perfect! A solution that will help train them without hurting them.

So today was the first time I tried it. Oreo (the black dog) was hopping up and down like he was on a pogo stick when I let our dogs out. I said no to Bella (our black dog) and got her to steer clear from the wall and I told the neighbor dogs who were pogo-ing at our fence a very stern “no”. THEY did not listen and continued to bark. So I got the spray bottle and squirted them in the mouth a couple times. Brown lab didn’t stick his head up again … might be a quick learner after all? (Probably not … he is after all a brown lab.) Oreo just kept jumping and barking – a proverbial puppy pogo – imagine me … at the fair playing that squirt gun clown game and you’ve got a pretty good picture of how it went.  I squirted him a couple more times and he flinched a little bit but kept on. Our dogs were done, so I brought them inside and then the barking was quiet for a bit. Ron said it’ll take a bit to work, so I will keep on with it to try to train them.

They still barked throughout the day (as usual) but we have to take it one step at a time and teaching them to not bark when we are out there with our dogs is priority one.

I’ve filed a couple complaints against them already and we’ve tried to ask them to not allow them to bark non-stop, we’ve turned the hose on them and still … the owners don’t care to shout at the very least, “no bark”? I think my next thing is to type up directions on how to file a complaint online and to deliver them to every house that’s in our area. I’m SURE I’m not the only one who would love for it to stop.

If I ran the zoo, I’d request a new neighbor who knew how to work with their dog(s).

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I used to think I was a patient person.  Actually, if I’m being honest with myself, perhaps patient isn’t the correct word.  I was, um, easygoing.  And possibly just easy, but that is definitely another post.

Being an older mom, I really started out feeling like I had patience in spades.  After all, we waited so long and went thru so much on our infertility, hysterectomy, adoption journey just to bring the kid home – why would I ever YELL at him????

Then he started wanting to do things for himself.  Freakish. 

Do you know how long it takes a three year old to brush his teeth?  WELL, let’s see.  He must walk to the bathroom, climb up on the stool, climb down from the stool, open the drawer, take out the toothbrush, close the drawer, climb back up on the stool, climb back down from the stool, open the drawer, take out the toothpaste, close the drawer, climb back up on the stool, put down the toothbrush, turn on the water, open the toothpaste, squeeze the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, close the toothpaste, tip over the toothbrush and smear the toothpaste all over the counter and the clean shirt I put on him only one minute ago before he walked to the bathroom, cry, cry, yell at me for trying to help, say ‘I do it,’ open the toothpaste, squeeze more toothpaste onto the toothbrush, close the toothpaste, set down the toothpaste, pick up the toothbrush, put the toothbrush in his mouth, swallow the toothpaste without it ever having touched a tooth, move the toothbrush back and forth three times before saying ‘I all done, mama,’ point to his teeth and say ‘white teeths,’ climb down from the stool, open the drawer, put in toothbrush and toothpaste, close the drawer and leave the bathroom.

Perhaps this is why I may need a few more sessions with his holiness, the Dali Lama. 

But hey, things are looking up.  I read today that the Catholic church is going to allow confessions via the INTERNET.  Talk about a blog I wanna read . . .   That would be a real timesaver if I were Catholic.

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For the last few days, I have been trying to resurrect a meditation practice. I know I feel better when I give myself quiet time and attempt to just stay in the moment, breathing, listening to meditation music or just watching my mind. It is amazing how many excuses I can find to not sit for 10-15 minutes. It isn’t like I don’t waste 10-15 minutes regularly doing all sorts of less productive things but somehow the resistance to sitting quietly is huge.

The resistance is coming at me from all directions. My own excuses and the outside world.

  • I say I’m going to meditate after I take the dog for walk. But then when I get home I find all sorts of important things that need to get done first. Soon the day is gone and I’ve done a lot of things but not the practice that I committed to.
  • I sit down to meditate and not more than 3 minutes into my time, the doorbell rings. It is the letter carrier with a package I need to sign for.
  • Sadie decides that something is really wrong in the back yard and starts barking the “get out of my yard” bark, which normally means the meter reader for the gas company is trying to do his job or perhaps a dog is walking down the alley next to the yard. But I have to get up and check it out because I don’t want her pepper sprayed by the Meter Guy or Gal.
  • I sit down to meditate and within the course of 15 minutes, every phone line in the house decides it have to ring–home, cell, business and fax –all demanding attention. Even if I ignore them and go back to breathing, it really makes me laugh that none of these lines have rung in the 4 hours before I sat down to meditate.

So what is this meditation interruptus–some sort of cosmic test? The universe wants me to practice returning my attention after the interruptions? It is hard enough to get myself started–could we hold off on the tests for a couple of weeks? Guess not.

Getting mad at myself for not being able to ignore the interruptions is counter-productive to the peace I am trying to create. So I set a new intention just to show up and deal with whatever the universe throws my way. Guess that’s why they call it a “meditation practice.” I keep repeating, “peace and calm” to myself. Maybe one day it will really be true! LOL!

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Today for some reason my modem decided to stop communicating with internet.  If there could have been a worse day for this to happen, I can’t think of it.  So for a couple of hours, I unplugged and plugged in cables, turned things on and off to no avail.  I bite the bullet and decide I have to call my ISP for help.  Dreading it all the way I dial.  Here is an abbreviated recounting of the call:

A very friendly automated male voice “AMV” answers, “”Thanks you for calling BIG COMPANY, to help us connect to your account, please state or key your phone number.”

ME:  Made the mistake of speaking rather than keying the number

AMV: “Let me repeat that number.”  (He repeats it back replacing the 2 with a nine.)  “Is this correct?”

Come on with what accent does two sound like nine?  I grew up near Chicago. Twoooo NINNNNNE.  Alike?  You’ve got to be kidding me. 

ME:  No.

AMV:  “I’m sorry my fault, could you reenter or repeat that for me?” 

ME:  gets smart and keys the number.

AMV:  Could you state in simple terms what the problem is.

ME:  I can’t connect to the internet

AMV:  Sounds like you are having problems with the internet.  I’ll have to connect you to our high speed internet department.

ME:  GRRR

Line transfers

A woman’s automated voice “WAV” picks up.

WAV:  Could you state or key your phone number?

ME:  Having learned my lesson the last time I key the number.

WAV:  I’m going to list 5 categories, pick the one that most closely matches your problem. 

ME:  I listen while she rattles through things that have nothing to do with my problem,

WAV:  Finally Says Internet Connectivity.

ME:  Yes Internet Connectivity

WAV:  OKay so you are having problems with internet connectivity

ME:  YES, Isn’t that what I just said?

WAV:  Have you been able to connect to the internet before on this line?

ME:  YES!

WAV:  Let me test your line and modem now, is your modem on?

ME:  YES!

WAV:  Please hold while we test your line!

ME:  Waiting

WAV:  You need to reset the password on your modem.  We’ve given you a temporary password which is tpc456 (or something like that!)  once you reset your password everything should work.  If you’d like to return to the main menu say main.  If you’ve gotten the help you need hang up.

ME:  Swearing! I don’t know how to reset the password.

WOMAN:  Goodbye!

ME:  dialing the 800 number again, getting the man, keying the number, saying internet connection, getting the woman, keying my number again, saying internet connectivity.  Now really frustrated I scream out “HUMAN BEING”

WAV:  I could connect you with a human being but we should test your line first.

ME: GIVE ME A HUMAN OPERATOR

WAV:  Okay.  If you are disconnected can the human call you at . . .she repeats my number.

ME: WTF!  I’m going to go through all this and get disconnected.  Please lord no!

WAV:  Are you still there? 

ME:  Yes!

WOMAN:  Transferring now.

Finally:  Welcome to BIG COMPANY This is Jeff how can I help you? 

ME:  Jeff thank god!   A real person.  (Jeff is probably in India but who cares he’s a real person!) I’m having problems with my modem and the automated system reset the password but I have no idea how to login using that password.  What do I do?

Jeff:  (Sensing a woman at the end of her rope.)  “I can walk you through that!”

And he did ending 5 hours of frustration!  Bless you Jeff or whatever your real name is–thanks for being the human being at the other end of the phone!

If I ran the zoo, companies would not be able to call automation, customer service.  It only alienates their customers.  If only I had realized that screaming “human being” earlier could have gotten me to Jeff about a half hour sooner!

Where’s the wine to go with this whine?

C

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Prozac and the padded cell is just a little different fairytale than the princess and the pea!!!

Life is crazy right now there is no doubt.  I was asked last week to make what could have been a life changing decision.  One that could affect my future and my professional direction in 4 days – He asked me to quickly soul search and decide –  I respectfully responded to the person that it was not possible – I could not answer in 4 days what I have not been able to determine in 41 years.    Needless to say the opportunity passed me by and actually I think I am OK with it.  I seemed to get a lot more clarity on the subject after a bottle of wine – It is amazing what “fermented grape juice” does to the mind and the searching of the soul.   

I must have been sleeping in the life 101 class – or I must have taken some other “useful” elective instead.  Do I regret missing this class.  I am 41, educated and at one point a number of years ago had a successful company – big bank account – toys and to the outside world was “Living the Dream”.  Well somewhere along the way I changed.  I picked up this little thing called “faith” and began a love affair for the first time with myself.  Man am I high maintenance – I realized that I demanded more of myself and wanted more for myself – and I left it all.  The husband – the company – the money – “most of the toys” and that brings me to life today – “soul searching and starting over”.  As great as the decision was it is not easy.  That is where the wine and a padded cell become a great combination.  I am trying to open the door of the cell but I still feel trapped and find myself asking every day that question that I find among the “peoples” more common than not is what is my purpose and trying to figure out activly searching for “My Damn answer”.   If anyone can help answer this I personally would be very appeciative.  It is painfully apparent that I do not have a clue.  So for now until I answer the question – I will stay locked away in the cell. 

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